My baby girl was born sleeping on 31/05/18 at 1:48pm weighing 5lbs 1oz. I was 34+6 weeks.

My pregnancy was full of problems, at 14 weeks I had two big bleeds, I thought I’d miscarried but on a scan it showed my little baba was doing just fine but that i had a large hematoma on my cervix. Then on my 20 week scan it showed i also had a low lying placenta, from that point I thought that’s it something is going to go wrong so I didn’t buy a thing as i was sure the worst would happen, then at 28 weeks they told me my placenta had moved up and the hematoma had gone smaller. I was so relieved so when i got to 30 weeks I thought that’s it I’m going baby shopping, my little fighter will definitely make it. So i bought everything from her pram to her little nappies.

I was so excited to meet my girl, then at 33 weeks I had period pains and bright red bleeding. I went to hospital and was put on the monitor and everything was fine so I went home knowing I had a scan soon and an appointment with a consultant a week later on the 30th. At 2am I felt my girl wriggle as I fell to sleep excited for my scan later that day. Little did i know that would be the last time. 

I went to my appointment that morning, sat there and discussed my birth plan completely unaware that my baby was gone.

Just before leaving she said i’ll just listen in on baby, the doppler was crackling so when she couldn’t find a heartbeat I wasn’t too bothered as she said "oh it’s the broken one”. she sent for another, but then on the other still no heartbeat. They rushed me in to the scan room, lay me down and told me not to worry just yet but she called for another sonographer and i new in that moment my baby was gone. My life changed in the blink of an eye, my world came crumbling down around me as she said “oh I’m so sorry sweetheart", everything stood still. I cried but didn’t really believe it how could be, my little girl be gone. This happens to other people, not to me right? 

I was given a C-section the following day. I hoped they had it wrong and that when they got her out she would let out an almighty cry, but the minute the midwife said she’s been born now i screamed, because that cry never came. 

They brought my baby to me back at our room and my little Charlie was perfect in every single way, I wished so hard for her to open her eyes or take a big gasp and just breath. I so wanted it to be a bad dream, how could someone so perfect be gone? 

I spent that night with my girl beside me and then the next few days giving her hugs and kisses and taking precious photos. I stared at her for hours, I sang to her and told her things about our family, me and my husband spent hours cradling our much loved baby, knowing she wasn’t coming home and it broke our hearts.

We decided against a post-mortem as we could see she was perfect and the midwives agreed, it’s not certain yet as they are still looking into it but it looks like it was blood clots on the placenta that caused my baby's heart to stop. We still have her funeral ahead of us in just over a week and i feel like it’s so far away, I want to hold my baby so bad that my arms ache when i think of her. 

Sands is the one thing that has brought me some comfort. We spent two days in a bereavement suite funded by Sands which was a beautiful place to spend precious time with our girl.

We love you charlie, you will forever be part of our family and never ever be forgotten, sweet dreams my beautiful baby girl xx