As part of Sands 40th anniversary this year, we will share 40 stories by 40 parents, family members and friends affected by the death of a baby. Starting during Sands Awareness Month and our #FindingTheWords campaign, we aim to show the sheer number of people who are affected by the tragedy of a baby’s death, help other bereaved parents to understand they are not alone and raise awareness of the issues surrounding stillbirth and neonatal death. Visit our 40 stories for #Sands40 to view other blogs in the series.

I’m a 22 year old woman. At the age of 21 Callum was my second child. I had a miscarriage just before I got pregnant with him which made me worry even more throughout my whole pregnancy.

The pregnancy though stressful sometimes was perfect. I’d been in slow labour since 37 weeks had been back and forth from the hospital right up until I was 39+3.

On 4th November 2017, I had unimaginable pain which stupidly enough I thought were contractions as this is what I was told by my hospital. Me and my partner made our way to the hospital at 4am, and by 5am I had been transferred to a consultant led hospital and was told my boy had passed away.

That's four words I never thought I'd hear. I went numb completely shell-shocked. No tears, no words, nothing to describe how I felt. I was already in active labour by now and I just couldn't comprehend the fact that my sweet boy who was due in two days wasn't coming home with us.

At 11.55am after a horrendous labour my sweet baby was born, but at the same time I bled out. I'd had a complete silent abruption and lost 2.8 litres of blood so had to be rushed off to theatre. The next couple of days were a blur and all I remember was his smell, his face, his hands and his nose.

It has been nearly a year now and thanks to the online Sands community forum, I've met people who have been through the same thing and I've been able to speak to them which has helped with my own sanity.

I miss my boy terribly. I never thought anything like that could ever happen to me but it did and I and I ache every day inside and out for my boy.

I’m now eight months pregnant with my baby girl and I’m due to be induced in September. It has helped me as I see it as a legacy from my Callum. A gift as you say. If it weren't for my first born daughter, my girl that’s due, my partner and Sands, I wouldn't be here today.

I always thought I was alone but I'm not. It happens and it's a silent taboo that nobody speaks about until it happens to them. Sands helps people to talk and to break that taboo.