On the 22nd of March 2015, I was 37 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our second baby, we had had a straight forward pregnancy up until this point with no concerns whatsoever. I had a perfect pregnancy with my son Ryan (my eldest who is now 6) he was born at 38 weeks and 5 days so we didn't think we had long to wait.I woke with Dan's hand on my tummy, a big kick was given by our little bundle, making us both smile and say 'morning bubba'. Little did we know this was the last time we would feel our baby move. Later that day after my Nan had done the normal ‘let me feel your bump’ I realised I hadn't felt baby for a while, I had done the usual sugary drink, as well as lay on my left side, as well as a warm bath and nothing.

You hear stories that babies don't have space to move as much at this stage and could be getting ready to come (please don't believe this, as we all know it is rubbish!!)

After calling the hospital they asked us to go in. We went into a room where another couple were strapped up to a monitor and we could hear their babies heartbeat fine, while we waited the midwife asked whether the mother smoked... 'Yeah!', she replied, something I literally hated her for!

I think as a mother I just knew I wasn’t going to be receiving good news. The midwife came and put the usual Doppler on my tummy with the same cold gel that I had felt so many times before and heard a little heartbeat, only this time there was nothing. The poor midwife tried to tell us that she didn't know if baby was head down or bottom down so may be why she wasn't finding it, but said we were to go through for a scan. I knew this was a cover up and instantly knew our baby had passed without trying to worry my husband.

Thankfully it was a weekend so there were no people waiting in the scan room as we walked through. A doctor came in and proceeded with the scan, I couldn't bring myself to look at the screen, her touch on my arm and the words 'I'm sorry' was enough for us to both break down and our world crumble around us.

We were taken through corridors and into a room. After crying for what felt like an eternity it came to my mind that not only had our baby passed but it was still in me. We asked whether they could just give me a c-section but they don't like to do this due to a number of reasons. We found ourselves talking to a chaplain about funerals for our baby....not how it should be! We then had to go through for another scan so that a second doctor could give the opinion - as if once wasn't enough I had to have another scan to confirm what we already knew. This is the only negative thing that I can say about our experience. It would have been so much kinder to have 2 doctors there in the first instance. I completely understand that this is a very big ask, but having to go through that twice was heartbreaking.

After my mum arriving with a hospital bag and lots of cuddles and tears we decided to start my labour. I had my first pessary at 3 in the afternoon. After all the pain relief I could possibly have and incredible support from my poor Husband and Mum - our gorgeous little man Chase was born at 12.09 weighing 7lb 10 on the 23rd of March. The first thing Dan said was ‘everyone was wrong babe’ everyone was adamant we were having a girl. After a few tears (including the midwife) we got to take In everything about our little boy. Apart from some fluid build up on his head due to him passing away inside of me He looked absolutely perfect.

The next few hours were spent cuddling our little man and family that felt strong enough to do so to come and see him. He was placed into a cuddle cot, so that we could spend those precious moments with him. We spent about 30 hours cuddling, taking photos, blocking out the outside world and attempting to process how and why this had happened to us.

The next day we had a chaplain visit to bless Chase and give a small naming ceremony and to talk to us about arranging a funeral (again, this is something no parent should have to do). This was soon followed by a visit from a consultant to sign forms to say we didn't want our son to have a post-mortem done. We made this decision purely based on the statement made to us that there was only a 50% chance that we would get an answer. At the time the thought of having our son cut open and then be told they couldn’t find a reason was not sitting well with either of us. I have since been told that it would of only been small incisions. Had I known this at the time I may well have opted to have one done. We also figured that as we already had a healthy boy that it was less likely to be something to do with myself or Dan.

The rest of the day, through the night and most of the next day we spent cuddling and having as much time as possible with our little beaut. The amazing midwives at QA came and took his hand and foot prints and moulds, a lock of his hair (not that he had much, poor little pickle must have been scalped) and a photographer came and took beautiful photos of all different parts of him that I wouldn’t have thought to take. (His toes, his scabby ear, his perfect rosebud lips)

We decided that they would need to take him from our room before we could leave as we couldn't bare the thought of walking away from him. As much as we didn’t want to leave him it was only getting harder. We also had to think that we had Ryan back at home completely oblivious to what was going on and wondering where mummy and daddy were. We were handed a beautiful memory box with his prints, a lock of his hair, photos, candle, a seed to plant, a small teddy (he had 2 in his cot with him, we took one and one stayed with him) an angel, and a memory card for photos. So instead of leaving with a babe in arms, we had a box.

You would think the next few weeks we would be allowed to grieve, how wrong. Just like every new Mum, my milk came in, I had no baby to feed making this a constant painful reminder. We had to visit the bereavement team to decide what we wanted to do about our son's funeral. We had to go to the same office as people do to register births in order to register our son as a still birth. We had to attend a meeting to confirm what we already knew, from external examinations, bloods, chord and placenta tests our son was just perfect. We had to choose flowers, songs and we wrote a poem for our beautiful boys special day. We waited just under a month for our boys funeral which was on the 21st of April 2015 and only then did we feel we could start grieving, with the help of some amazing family and friends the long journey began. Cannot begin to say how much of a rock Dan was at the lowest of lows, deep down I knew he was broken, but being a man he felt he needed to be the strong one, this is definitely not the case, we both lost OUR son. Thankfully with a select few people we were able to support each other as much as possible There's not a day that goes past that we don't think about Chase, Ryan is always talking about him.

So there it is, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy which leads me to where I am today. We were getting married 5 months after losing Chase. So along with Ryan I had something to focus on. Once that was over I organised a fundraiser and we raised enough money for a cuddle cot that myself and my husband presented to Maggie the lead bereavement midwife at QA only last month at our sands fundraiser.

After that I had nothing to focus on, I tried to find local support groups and soon found out that the Portsmouth sands had lost Volunteers so were not up and running but were looking for new committee members to form a new group. Now 3 and a half years later and a here I am in the club that nobody wants to be in, with some wonderful new friends honouring our babies and helping others. Thank you for listening to my story xx