I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks, and I was over the moon. My little boy was going to be a big brother.

At around 18 weeks I started feeling strange, weak, dizzy and generally unwell. I had been to the doctors 25 times in the time leading up to her birth at 33 weeks to tell them something was wrong. I didn’t feel right, her movements were reducing. I was ignored.



On Thursday the 7th October I phoned the hospital telling them I was in horrific pain and something wasn’t right. I felt as if i was in labour.

They told me as my waters hadn’t broken she was probably laid on a nerve and to take paracetamol and go for a bath.

Little did I know. That was the beginning of the end.

I phoned them first thing on the Friday morning to tell them the pain had all of a sudden gone but she now wasn’t moving.

They told me babies have quiet days and they didn’t have time to see me.

On the Saturday she still wasn’t moving. We had tried everything from a torch on the belly, to drinking a really cold drink.

I demanded they see me. I begged them to check on my little girl.

Eventually 9.30 that night they had space to see us.

I was placed on the heartbeat monitor and was told my heartbeat was probably masking hers. I already knew. My body knew. My heart knew. I don’t know how but somehow I knew what was coming next. I numbly watched them scan me three times to see my baby without a beating heart and to hear them words that will haunt me forever. “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat, your baby has gone”

I was then placed in a bay with 3 new born babies and 2 pregnant women for 2 days. I was allowed home to see my son but then had to return to the hospital for induction. I begged them not to make me have to do this. I pleaded with them please don’t make me say goodbye before I even had the chance to say hello. I begged for a c-section. Please just let me hold her.

I sat holding my belly, looking at other mums on monitors listening to their babies heartbeats drumming away. Looking at the new bundle of joy in the bay next to me and I felt empty. I felt like I was being tortured, the other women were oblivious to what I was going through and I’m ashamed to admit I kept asking myself why do they get to keep their babies and I don’t?? Why do I have to go home to an empty nursery and with empty arms but they don’t??

I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I couldn’t believe she was gone.

My little girl was gone.

I finally gave birth on Tuesday 12th October and she was absolutely perfect. Me and her dad spent 22 hours, holding her, kissing her and whispering how much we loved her.



Post-mortem results shows that I had gestational diabetes and the pain on that Thursday night was my placenta detaching. The reason I was ill during my pregnancy was because every time I ate the sugars in my food attacked my placenta which slowly starved my little girl of oxygen.



I will forever hold regrets, what ifs and an ache in my heart that can never be filled.

A mother knows best and If there's one lesson I’ve learnt is always listen to your body and your gut instinct.

Babies do not have quiet days.



Ellie Michaela born sleeping 12/10/10

3lb 14 xx