Growing up, all I ever wanted was to be a mummy. I had my first born, a little boy called Alex, I loved being a mummy more than anything, it was exactly how I’d imagined. I fell pregnant again when he was 3, I lost the baby at 6 weeks pregnant and was very affected so didn’t try again for a long time. When the time was right, I fell pregnant with our much wanted rainbow baby, Zara. Her big brother was 4 by then, we were so ready. Alex became so attached to his little sister whilst she was in my tummy, he’d just learnt to read and when we were reading books at bedtime he’d say he was reading to her. He’d talk to my bump ‘hello Zara I’m your big brother Alex’. He’d speak to her while we were waiting in queues in shops, people would remark on how sweet it was. I was so ready to have a baby again, I was so ready to give more love to another little human.

When Alex had been born I was so scared to hold him for the first time, but this time round I was confident, I knew what I was doing.

Zara was born on the 1st July 2018 and when she was handed to me I felt a love that cannot be explained, but can only be felt.

At 40 minutes old, Zara was rushed off and resuscitated. I felt unable to move having a panic attack. I managed to calm myself down, I thought they would have been able to save her, I hoped and prayed they could. My tiny, helpless baby girl.

Zara was put into a ventilator, the doctor explained what was happening, that’s when we received the destroying news that our daughter wouldn’t be able to survive. The baby girl I carried and kept safe for 9 months wasn’t going to survive. It didn’t feel real, I didn’t even know that anything like this could happen until it happened to me.

A million things went through my head I couldn’t believe this was happening, 9 months on and I still can’t believe this has happened. Our baby girl passed away at 17 hours old.

We got to keep Zara with us in the bereavement suite until the next day, letting her go was the hardest moment in my life. I screamed when she left my arms. I can still remember the scream now and the thought of my baby leaving my arms will haunt me forever. I should be cuddled up to my baby right now. Life should be so very different. I don’t think there are ever any words for this situation, I still haven’t found the right words.

I love you Zara and always will.