I was 37 weeks pregnant with my last baby - a little girl

On the 24th October I had a dizzy spell and an unbearable pain. My daughter called an ambulance and I was rushed into hospital. I can remember hearing blue lights thinking this is serious. I asked the ambulance lady if she knew how to deliver a baby and asked her "Please get my daughter out". 

The rest is a blur. I can't remember getting out of the ambulance. The family have filled in the gaps, yet I still can't remember.

I had a placental abruption. I woke up 2 days later in intensive care. They delivered my daughter by emergency section to save my life - her little heart stopped beating inside me.

"Your lucky to be alive" everyone kept saying. I didn't and still don't feel lucky.

She was the most beautiful precious little girl I had ever seen.

Just as I imagined her. My heart stopped the minute my sister handed her to me. I don't think it will ever beat the same again.

She would be 5 months now.

Yep I'm still here and well I'm breathing and getting up daily and being a mom to my other children but my heart aches, my soul aches, even my toes ache. I can't and won't ever come to terms with losing my beautiful daughter and I'm scared of everything. 

Everyday I think how did she feel when she was here and then she wasn't

I cant explain it. Its totally heart breaking I'm not the same person I was and I never will be because on the 24th october 2018 my 5lb 7 baby girl died.

A part of me died that day with her.