My husband (Matt) and I met five years ago and got married two years ago, we were blissfully happy and blissfully naive as to what the future would hold - I now look back on the day and long to be the couple in the photographs again, but I know we never will be.

We found out I was pregnant exactly one year after getting married, it was planned and we were very excited. It felt like fate was on our side as I caught on straight away and I had an uneventful pregnancy. We both wanted to know the sex of our baby at the 20 week scan. Matt wasn't really bothered either way but I had always wanted a girl. Everything seemed so perfect.

I actually went over my due date, which was the 23rd March 2007 and went into hospital to be induced on the 4th April; at that point we were so excited. I was both giddy and nervous about the birth. Lucy being our first child I had no idea what to expect, no matter how many books I had read I never felt truly prepared for the experience. I remember leaving the house that morning and looking at the beautiful nursery that we had prepared thinking how the next time I saw it I would have my daughter with me. 

I went into hospital for 8.30 am and by 9.30 am our entire world had fallen apart, the midwife came to fit the heart monitor to me and couldn't find Lucy's heartbeat, despite the midwife pretending that Lucy may be in a different position or that the machine might not be working properly, I knew straight away as there had never been a problem finding that little heartbeat in the past. We were taken straight up for a scan that confirmed that sadly, Lucy had died. I had felt her moving only the day before so I knew that we had only just missed her. I actually know the exact time that she died, as I got up from the settee the previous night to go to bed I felt her move down, I thought at the time that she was moving down to get ready to make her entrance into the world, but now I know that that is when I lost her.

I don't have to explain to you all the numbness and despair that overwhelms you upon hearing such news, our family came running to the hospital, Matt's brother arrived first, shortly followed by my mum and dad and then Matt's parents. I will never forget sitting in a special room at the hospital surrounded by family wondering what I had done wrong. I remember turning to Matt while we were still in the scan room and just apologising over and over again for killing our baby.

We went home on the 4th and were booked in to be induced on the 6th, I remember very little about the day in between it passed by in a blur. 

I gave birth to Lucy on Good Friday (!!!), my contractions started at approximately 2.30 pm and she arrived, quietly at 7.53pm weighing a healthy 6lb 7oz. I cannot even start to tell you how beautiful she was, she looked exactly as we had hoped she would, she had the best features of both of us, Matt's wonderful thick dark hair with my facial features - her eyes looked as though they would be huge, and it will always torment me that we never saw her eyes open as I just know that they were beautiful. Matt was absolutely wonderful and never left my side and believe it or not we were actually excited when she was born and ecstatically happy, just as any other normal parent would be. We were so proud of our little miracle. My mum & dad came to the hospital shortly after the birth to nurse Lucy and tell her how much they loved her. We kept her with us for about 5 hours and a wonderful midwife helped us to dress her in the clothes we had picked out. I remember that I never stopped talking to her the whole time we had her, I was trying to fill her little head with memories and knowledge of all the people that loved her and would have been a part of her life. 

There were slight complications with me after the birth and it took two hours to deliver the placenta, which had broken away and was very small. As a result I was kept in the hospital until Sunday to have regular antibiotics. Saturday passed by in a drug fuelled haze and we left the hospital on Sunday morning after having Lucy brought to us for another cuddle and a goodbye. I will never forget how empty my arms felt on leaving the hospital that day.

We are both back at work now, Matt went back after approximately three weeks and I went back after eight weeks. I work at a lovely place and have many wonderful friends and I felt it would be better for me to be amongst people than sat at home on my own thinking about what should have been. On the whole I think it was the right decision but I am still finding it very difficult, as is Matt. It is very draining to keep it together for the day and we are both exhausted all the time - the weight of grief is so heavy.

I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but in addition to mourning Lucy I also feel that I am mourning the loss of us as a couple and the people that we were that we can never be again. 

I know that we have had a terrible summer (weather wise) but to be honest it really has suited my mood, it seems worse when the sun shines as I always find myself playing out the alternative scenario, the one where when the sun shines we put Lucy in the pushchair and take her for a walk with people stopping us every so often to have a look and tell us how beautiful she is. Instead all we have is an empty nursery and her ashes, it really is so unfair.

Sally