9th February 2000, this Wednesday was a day I had been thinking about for the past year; in particular the past few months. I knew I didn't want to be at work remembering the past year and the death of Katherine, my sister's baby.

I knew I didn't want to sit at home thinking, something which all of us had done a lot of. So I did something "useful" I contacted Sands head office (London) to see if they could make use of someone for the day.

I was nervous, and excited, and glad to be giving them something back because I know they have given my sister, and all of us, the support we needed to come to terms with the events of the past year. I wondered what I would be doing and what everyone would be like. Mostly I was thinking about how to get through the day, remaining strong and composed until I got home and was in the company of my "shoulder". 

Michelle met me from reception and walked me into the basement that everyone at Sands head office calls 'home.' My mind was put to rest as soon as I walked in the door; as you would expect everyone was so nice and normal. Then Michelle explained what I would be doing. We talked about how I was feeling and if I needed someone to talk to, or lost myself in my thoughts just to let someone know. My heart smiled. I have found it so hard to talk to anyone about it, so I haven't, not really, it's a unique experience and here there were a group of people who probably knew more of what I felt than I do. Speaking about Katherine and my sister during the day made me realise just how little I know about what happened and the emotions that are still flying around. Now I know I want to do all I can to change that.

Enough of the emotional thoughts! The office was different to what I am used to, but cluttered and friendly all the same. My task for the day made me feel useful, and something I could relate to. I put together the envelopes that contained information about the Sands memory card, and the bereavement training days.

Running here there and everywhere; battling with the photocopier, trying to find the envelopes and the right coloured paper. Slowly everything came together and got posted out before I left for the evening. The memory cards, as you may already know, are a Sands designed card, my description of which wouldn't do them justice. So that's what I did for my day at Sands, as well as learning more about the organisation and a lot more about me, and my feelings. 
The two things I remember most about my day with Sands. Firstly their "store cupboard". I could have sat in there for hours (with a big box of tissues) reading all the advice Sands offer to the parents, families and everyone involved in the tragic event of a stillbirth or neonatal death. An attempt to make sense of it all, the technical reasons, the what you should do - perhaps I should've done it a year ago rather than put it to the back of my mind; who knows. And secondly, just along the wall from the "room of answers", is a diagram of various circles depicting all the people who are affected by the death of a baby. 

Looking at the day I realise what a worthwhile job the group at Sands do and how wonderful everyone is. I realise how little my own job is in the scheme of tragic loss. I realise how Sands help the many whose lives are affected and how I am going to all I can to help them, my sister, and how we all really should talk more.

For personal reasons I hope to go back to Sands and help them some more, and to show them the support and thanks they deserve for doing what they do. I am looking forward to visiting the Memorial Garden when it opens, and planting the rose I bought to remember Katherine by in my garden. As a last word I would like to say well done to Sands and all of you for surviving, helping and caring.

Katherine 9th February 1999

© Emma H