I sit here on a Saturday night wondering 'Why am I not a Mummy'.

When I first fell pregnant after two years of trying, my husband and I were so happy. From that moment back in April 2006 we were on top of the world.  Planning for our forthcoming baby, we were so excited.  Obviously we went through all the usual emotions in the first twelve weeks, normally the most risky.  I got over that and thought the next six months would fly past and just after the New Year we would have a beautiful baby. We decorated the nursery and ordered our furniture and pram in late September.

I will never forget it.  It was the twelfth of November, a normal Sunday afternoon, my parents came round for dinner and not long after they had left I felt slightly uncomfortable.  I thought I had eaten too much!  However it turned midnight and I hadn't fallen asleep yet, I was in quite a bit of pain.

I called the hospital and they told to come in for a check up - I was so scared, thinking I was in labour and at only 30 weeks I knew it was too early for the baby, but I thought 'there is lots they can do these days for premature babies'.

The drive to the hospital took twenty minutes or so but felt like a lifetime, we were so scared.  When we arrived the midwife was checking for the babies heartbeat, but could not find it - our worst nightmare, I hadn’t given up though - they brought in a portable scan machine and the doctor came in.  She checked for a while - again it seemed a lifetime and said baby was in the birth canal, but still no heartbeat. She took my hand and said ‘I'm sorry.............................’

The next few hours seemed unreal, I was in labour with my dead baby, I didn't think I could get through it and begged for a section - this was too dangerous because my placenta had become detached.  I blamed myself for not knowing and constantly found myself saying sorry to my husband.  Our baby was gone before I brought him or her into the world - 'what did I do wrong'.

At 7.17am on Monday 13th November we had a beautiful baby son - he was perfect, but already asleep with the angels.  Our family all came to visit, and later that day we left the hospital angry, very upset and wondering how on earth can we go on living without the baby we longed for.  We had a lovely service and buried Mitchell at a cemetery close to where we live.  It was the hardest week of our lives, arranging a funeral for our baby.  For days and weeks I thought it hadn't happened and kept asking why, but there were no reasons - it was just one of these things.  It has been a struggle and after a couple of months we decided we would like to try again - my 

consultant said there was no reason for what happened and I could have done nothing to prevent it, and that there was a small chance of around ten per cent that this could happen again. 

So in March 2007 I found myself pregnant again and although we were so delighted I had fallen quite quickly - I was so scared.

I was being checked every four weeks, had an early scan, a twelve week scan and a detailed scan at twenty weeks.  I would also be scanned every four weeks in my final trimester.  I was due 22nd December but would get induced two weeks early.  However at twenty-four weeks I suffered severe blood loss - my placenta had abrupted and doctors prepared us that our baby may be delivered within 48 hours - we were so scared, this could not possibly happen again.  I was given steroids to help the baby's lungs and we had been advised that there was a 50/50 chance of survival for the baby. 

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on Monday 3rd of September and she was immediately taken from us and taken to the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit – we couldn't believe what had just happened another baby born early, this time alive but again we never had that happy moment of holding our new born baby, she was tubed up and had so many needles put into her wee body.  Of course this was all to help her and we understood that but we were so scared.  I blamed myself again, but this time we had a baby.

The next 24 hours would be crucial and babies as tiny as Elle needed a lot of support.  She survived the first crucial period and the next week was dangerous for her too.  It was going to be a long struggle, good days and bad days, but we could deal with that we had our precious baby.  Unable to hold her or kiss her hurt so much just looking at her all day long through the incubator - we could just stare at her every minute of the day.  On day ten Elle took a turn for the worst, she caught an infection and for another 4 days she fought on.  Unfortunately on Sunday 16th September the little fighter gave up, it was too much for her tiny body and she needed to rest, she too was now with the angels, and of course her big brother Mitchell.  We couldn't believe it, but she had suffered so much.  We spent hours with her, bathed her and dressed her, it was nice to be able to do that for her, but it hurt so much that the first time we got to kiss our beautiful daughter - she was dead.

We thought having another baby was going to help us through the first anniversary of losing our precious Mitchell, but now Elle is gone too.  What is wrong with me I keep asking myself, two babies buried in less than a year - it's so unfair.  All we want is to have a baby and we have had two and they are both gone.  We love them both so much and will never ever forget them, they were both so beautiful.  Its only been six weeks since Elle was born and four since she was laid to rest but we are now grieving for them both.  The pain of Mitchell has never left us and now we are dealing with grieving for two babies.

Who could possibly understand, only we ourselves know what it feels like.  

We have to be strong and there for each other, we both go through all the emotions every day, guilt, anger and so, so sad.  It's hard moving on with everyday life and such a struggle but we know we can not bring them back.

Mitchell and Elle will always be in our hearts and they are both precious angels looking down on us.   Our precious memories and photographs will remain with us forever, someday we will learn to cope with the pain, it will never leave us or get any easier.

Maybe someday we will be blessed, we don’t know what the future holds - but we could not go through this pain again.

Mitchell and Elle's Mummy, October 2007

You will remain in our hearts forever xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx