After a sudden and frightening loss of blood at home one Monday night, I went to hospital and was kept in. There was no more bleeding. I was scanned the next day and told I could go home that afternoon once the doctor had seen the scan results. But the doctor didn't come so I was told I'd have to stay in another night.



At about 10pm after I'd had my obs done, I sent my mum a goodnight text and included the words 'little heartbeat still going strong'. I still don't know why I wrote that.



On the Wednesday morning at about 8am, the midwife came to do my obs. She struggled to find the heartbeat but said it felt as if baby was moving away from her. She told me to go and get some breakfast while she called a colleague to check. That colleague couldn't find it either. Everyone was very calm. I was sent down to the labour ward for a scan where the doctor said the words I will be able to hear in my head for the rest of my life.



'I'm so sorry, your baby has no heartbeat'.



They phoned my partner and told him to come to the labour ward. When he arrived I had to tell him our baby had died.



I was desperate to go home, leave, just get out of the hospital.



Before I left, they gave me a tablet to help my body prepare for labour. I didn't want to take it because a silly part of me was thinking 'what if they're wrong and he's still alive?' I could still feel him moving, which is quite common apparently.



I returned to hospital on the Friday to be induced and Austin Leo was born at 01.10hrs on Saturday 3rd December 2016.



That's not the end of our story of course. I don't have the words to describe the impact on me, my partner, our older children and wider family.



Our whole lives have changed. We've changed too.



Through it all, Sands has been a source of support, help and understanding and I will be grateful for that always.



Thank you.