My pregnancy was pretty straight forward. I felt my baby kick, move and hiccup... the best feelings in the world.



I went in to Labour at 38 weeks and 5 days on the 19th of January 2016. After 10 hours of Labour, my beautiful baby boy Jacob was born (9lbs 10oz) and nothing prepared me for what was about to unfold.

Before I even got to look at my boy, he was taken away. They said he was having difficulty breathing. I thought that kind of thing often happens and that he would be okay. Hours passed and no one could tell me what was going on, all they said was that he was in the best place and the doctors in the Neonatal unit were trying to stabilize Jacob.

I cried all night and my midwife on the antenatal ward cried with me. She was my rock.

I knew this was bad but I still had hope.



Nearly a whole day passed before I could see my beautiful boy. There were wires everywhere, I was so scared to touch him but all I wanted to do was hold my baby, feed my baby, kiss my baby...



The consultant took me and my partner into a private room and said that Jacob was seriously ill and that the next few hours would be critical. We learned that Jacob had a very rare genetic condition which was resulting in organ failure and he wouldn't breath on his own. I broke down. I blamed myself. I questioned that maybe i had done something wrong during my pregnancy.



I wanted to wake up from this horrible nightmare.



But still I had a glimmer of hope that my boy would pull through.



That night Jacob deteriorated. The doctors said 'this could be Jacobs last few minutes', I remember running out the door of the neonatal unit and falling to my knees... I couldn't feel my legs, or any part of my body for that matter. I was numb.

A nurse came to me and said, Jacob needs his mummy. And she helped me up and I went to my boy. The doctors managed to bring him back but explained that this would keep happening and that there was no light at the end of the tunnel... there was nothing more they could do and that we were faced with the most difficult decision of our lives.



I wanted my boy to be out of pain. I didn't want him to die alone. I wanted him to go peacefully, surrounded with love. We had our boy blessed by the hospital Chaplin and then we made that decision... to let him go. Numbness was all I was capable of feeling. On the 21st of January 2016 at 3am my 2nd born Son Jacob became an angel.



My other son who was just 19 months old was my rock and he got me through the hardest time of my life.



I often wonder what Jacob would be like now. I miss him dearly and the love I feel for him is unconditional. The pain of losing a baby never goes but you learn to cope with the loss. Even though Jacob isn't physically here, I am still his mummy and I keep his memory alive. He is still very much a part of my family and he always will be.



Jacob, A thousand years begins and ends with you x