I am sure this is not what you expected, I know it was not what I had or in my case for my second loss of my twins. Not the first 100 we should have been marking. it should have been my first 100 of pregnancy or their 100 days alive and my first 100 days singled handily wrangling beautiful twin boys.



What does it feel like? I have no idea, I have largely forgotten in these 100 days how to feel anything other than broken hearted and those educated reading this will agree. There are no words to describe anything after your child, or in my case your twins die but also that there is nothing like the first 100 days.

I am whole. I am broken. I am scared. I am proud. I am in love and I am numb all at the same time and I cannot help but cry that my laptop not balanced on a 21-week twin bump. My grief is just as raw but not a visceral.



They say with presidents, new government or even in staring a new job the first 100 days can tell of the life time, the decisions and the outcomes to come. But I am not sure if this can be transferred to 100 days without your twins. 100 days with part of you missing, a bump no longer growing. Nor am I sure if I would want it to be, but I guess somewhere in it all the first 100 days are important. I don’t quite know what to say, or say how I feel for this is never a day I expected to face or should be enduring. The first 100 we should be experiencing is not the first 100 since loss but the first 100 of pregnancy and we were only 44 days’ way, when it all fell apart. I honestly don’t think there are enough words in the world to explain to day to me, to you my boys or the outside world or the knowledge that this is firmly my life now.



In these first 100 days I guess like me you expected to be experiencing the tears, the joy, the love, the little moments and the trials or tribulation of new parenthood. But in these first 100 days I have found a little what my motherhood is and TRUST ME, BELIEVE ME, this is still a motherhood. I like all mothers I have forgotten dates, stayed up all night sitting close to you so you weren’t alone, had sleepless nights worrying, although my worries are different. But yet like other parents I can’t remember my life before my children, and I wouldn’t if I can’t have you in my arms, have my life any different than this.



I wish on day 1 of my first 100 someone would have told me I would make it to today, although still feeling that someone forgot to bury me too, you like me may still feel a broken not functioning mess, but I promise in these first 100 days these little steps over the next countless 100s of day will add up and you will survive. I know it doesn’t feel like you might just now.



Dear next 100 days, be gentle, be patient, begin to unbreak my heart. 100 pasts. 100 more to come and then 100 more each defended not by the passing of time but an expansion of a Mummy’s ever elastic love.



Forever and Always Airley, Freddy George and Thomas Nicholas’s Mummy.

My darling 3, how much I love you, how much I need you, how much I miss you.