During Ramadan, amidst the focus on love and forgiveness, many parents also grapple with loss, remembering their babies who are no longer with us.
In the past, this time of year evoked a myriad of emotions for me, especially after experiencing the loss of my baby. While others gathered for the joyous breaking of the fast, I felt a profound emptiness, longing for the child I never got to hold, while feeling a deep sense of loss for my babies who were taken from me too soon. I had faced four miscarriages and wondered if I would ever be able to celebrate Ramadan as a mother. Would I be able to decorate my house with my child and have the same sense of joy that other families had around me.
After Ramadan, comes Eid al-Fitr, the celebration that takes place after the last fast of the month. Eid was always triggering for me and a time that I found more difficult than Ramadan itself. I would watch all my nieces and nephews dressed in their best outfits, excitedly running around shouting Eid Mubarak, while being showered with presents and money from their elders. I would think about my babies and how my life could have been so different.
On the brink of a pandemic, when the world went into lockdown, I gave birth to my baby girl. It was happiness I had never felt before. Ramadan 2020 was the most surreal one I had ever experienced. Even in lockdown, it was the Ramadan I had always dreamed of and wanted. I made sure that this Eid was a celebration for me, as a mother. I made a huge meal and I celebrated myself for getting through the most difficult years of wanting and needing my child.
Although I had my longed-for baby, I felt it so important to support others who had faced baby loss and the same challenges, stigma, and taboos that I had faced. I set up a safe space by the name of Asian Miscarriage Hub to help women who feel lost after baby loss and could come into a space where they are not judged or questioned, and where miscarriage and infertility is not seen as taboo or stigmatised. Alongside the Asian Miscarriage Hub, I volunteer with Sands as a member of the South Asian Roundtable Group to help shape the services and support offered to South Asian communities.
Ramadan and Eid can be such a triggering time, I urge parents and families to do what feels right for you. Take the time to heal and remember your babies in a way that is suitable for you. Ramadan is a time for self-reflection but is also a time for personal healing. There is no right or wrong way of healing or grieving during this time, the only thing that matters is you.
Please do what is right for you.
Here at Sands, we know Ramadan and Eid can be difficult for those who have experienced pregnancy or baby loss. Please know that you are not alone, and there are people who understand and whom you can speak to in confidence.
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