Our Maggie Jo was born still Wednesday 24th October 2018 2:56 am, weighing 1.7lb one day before 28 weeks. Her heart had stopped at midday Monday 22nd October, we were rushed into hospital, No heartbeat, we were then rushed in for a scan for confirmation. Within a minute I heard those words ‘I'm so sorry my darling, your baby has died’ I was numb, I couldn't move and I didn‘t react, didn't even flinch. James was holding my hand so tightly and I could feel his body.

We were then taken to a delivery suite to wait for a bereavement midwife and a doctor to explain what happens next. We were told I had to take a tablet which would start labour within 48 hours, then go home and come back to the hospital Wednesday morning when we would be admitted to the rosemary suite, which is a self contained suit with lounge, fridge, tea making facilities, bedroom, bathroom and labour room, situated away from away from the noises of a busy delivery ward. The conversation moved to planning a funeral which I was adamant I didn't want or need, I hadn’t processed what had happened in the last hour yet.

I was now going to have to go through labour and give birth to our dead baby, all along I had been so excited about the birth, the exciting bit, painful but ending with the best moment of my life, now I was scared of the physical pain and the pain I was going feel meeting my baby who had already died inside of me.

We left the hospital and drove home in silence, with James asking me a couple of times if I was ok. When we got home we both went upstairs to get changed came back down, still in silence. hysterical tears came and didn't stop. We sat for a while until my mum came round and then my dad later. We then went bed and had a restless night waking every hour. The morning brought with it more tears. I had a bath and laid there holding my tummy still feeling my babies body inside me, I didn't know how we were going to get through another day and night of just sitting at home waiting. I spoke to James’s mum on the phone who suggested we go straight to hospital and start things off sooner, I texted our midwife to ask if this was possible and it was, they were expecting us to arrive from then. We packed a hospital / over night bag and made our way to the hospital.

When we arrived and I said my name the nurses faces dropped and told us to take a seat, two midwives then appeared to take us upstairs to the suite. In the room was a bookshelf including lots of folders and booklets, the first booklet I picked up was ‘planning your baby’s funeral’ there were boxed photo frames on the wall with butterflies in them that were so pretty.

A bedroom with a beautiful wall of garden with trees and purple flowers, the bedding was covered in flowers and butterflies, I didn't notice how tranquil this room was until it got dark and the lamps were the only light. I had a lots of blood taken and the first pessary pill to bring on labour. At half 9 when I had the second tablet, I had to lay on the bed for an hour and by the end of that hour we tried to get some much needed sleep. I was tired now, got into bed and thought I’d play solitaire for 10 minutes to wind down and then get a couple of hours sleep, within 5 minutes of laying down and looking forward to getting a bit of sleep my contractions started I didn’t know they were contractions for the first couple but this pain kept happening, I started timing them the first couple were only 120 seconds apart then 55 seconds. I laid holding my breath until I couldn’t lay anymore, I was then on all fours, leaning on the bed while James rubbed my back.

I pressed the call button and told the midwife what was happening and she asked if I wanted pain relief which I did so I could sill try and have a sleep. Due the contractions I was now going to be wide awake for the next 15 hours. Within 15 minutes we moved to the delivery suite so I could use the gas and air, the midwife said this is going to happen tonight. I didn’t know how to use the gas and air, James told me to breath in deeply all the time he was squeezing my hand to breathe in releasing his grip to breath out. Slow long deep breaths made it manageable for a while until I had another 3 types of pain relief but I didn’t want anything that would blur my memory, I’d had anti sickness pills before and that evening but was sick so had an injection for more anti-sickness.

My next tablet was half past midnight and an hour later I was 2cm dilated we called my mum and my friend Michelle to come now, when they arrived things started moving quickly, I had more bloods taken and my blood pressure had rocketed as the pre eclampsia had set in. A surgeon appeared and explained she wanted to move me downstairs to a room more equipped as it was highly likely I would have a fit soon. I could see the seriousness in everyone’s faces but didn’t know how I was going to move downstairs with full blown contractions and no gas and air, I said ok but a need a wee in my next gap first, I ran to the loo and come back out and lent on the bed with gas tube and felt the urge to push. I pushed and my waters broke on the floor, becoming slightly comical to break the atmosphere I asked james if my waters had got him. I was gutted w hen he said no.

Within a couple of minutes her little bum had popped out and I was being helped onto the bed on my knees, then her legs come out and my contractions stopped so I pushed two more times and her head came. She was born at 2:56 so gracefully, she didn’t even hurt me. My next thought was to get my placenta out so I could go and get in the double bed with James and my baby. At this point I still didn’t know if she was a boy or a girl, I quickly asked and found out I’d had a daughter. My placenta wasn’t ready so I got comfortable in the birthing bed and was handed my baby, she looked like James and his 2 girls from her nose up but she had my lips. She was perfect, I’d grown her all this time and to look at her there was nothing wrong.

She looked so peaceful and was still warm. I couldn’t move from the bed at this point so asked the midwife to get her dressed for me, mum had bought me pink and blue prem baby sized cardigans and sleep suits which drowned her. The arms and legs had to be rolled up and the cardigan looked like a dress on her. I then had to have an injection and then a drip to try and hurry along the placenta while still in the delivery bed.

I got Maggie back all dressed and cleaned up. I started to inspect every inch of her, her feet and her calves were so long (from me) her fingers and nails were absolutely perfect, I unbuttoned her clothes for a closer look all over, at this point it was just me and my midwife Romie I asked if I could see her bottom I really had the urge to see her little bum, she replied “of course darling she’s your baby” those words made my chest hurt. After I’d looked over her, Romie helped me take some lovely pictures of her and close ups of her hands feet perfectly. She then went off with my mum and dad while a doctor came to see me. I had to have gas an air again for the pain while the surgeon tried to remove my placenta. After 4 hours on the drip it wasn’t moving.

6 hours after Maggie was born I was taken to theatre and had a spinal so another surgeon could remove it, all the time still monitoring my blood pressure. At this point I was shattered the midwives had changed shifts, they said you’ll probably fall asleep in theatre being relaxed and numb, I remember looking forward to the sound of that but no. I don’t scare easily but once I’d been numbed and was laying on the table I remember thinking this has all been quite serious what if something goes wrong now and James has to leave the hospital without his baby and me, I started to panic and then listened intently to everything that was being said as if I understood what they were talking about but I was too scared to go to sleep. Once they’d finished I asked if they’d fitted the catheter, the midwife checked and they hadn’t, I was more on the ball than the surgeon. Then I was in recovery for two hours until the numbness wore off and they could see I could walk by myself. when I got to the room James was already there and a little later mum and dad and Hayley armed with a bacon sandwich and drink, as I’d not been able to have anything before theatre. The two hours seemed to drag as I just wanted to get back upstairs to our room.

Everyone had left before they wheeled me back up with James and helped me on to the bed in the bedroom. We had a tiny Moses basket next to the bed with a portable cool matress for Maggie to be in next to us, we closed our eyes and fell asleep fast.

We were awoken an hour later as the lady from the hospital chapel had come to bless Maggie we asked if she could come back in an hour so we could sleep some more, half hour after that the photographer had arrived so we got up. We’d been asked about all these things and luckily for me having a best friend that had already been through this the best advice she gave me was think about everything and don’t regret not having it all even if you don’t look at it. I can’t wait to see the photos although it’s a blur of what photos we got, I initially didn’t want a blessing but Hilary was so lovely and her words again I can’t remember them but I know it was beautiful hearing mine, James and Maggie’s names while she was being blessed so much we were both a hysterical mess.

That evening rob arrived to get Maggie’s hand and feet moulds. rob had a stillborn in January and wanted his moulds of his son Finley’s feet and hands but there were no professional companies that would do it. Rob had got himself a DIY moulding kit and managed to get what he wanted. In his sons memory he took a course in mould taking to do them for other families that have babies with wings. He was so lovely and explained we’ve joined a club know-one wants to join but we’re now in it. He was so gentle talking to Maggie while I held her, then James held her while he done her feet, this was the first time James had held her, he’d kissed her and inspected her like I had but been too worried to hold her until now, my heart sank again half with sadness and half pleased he’d held our baby which he then went on to do again an again.

All of these things were arranged and organised by the midwives and the hospital, no charge no arrangements needed to be made by us they done it all which is why now we want to give something back. We’d like to raise what we can and split it between donating more to the rosemary suite at Colchester General, to forever Finley to help keep rob going for other parents to have their moulds and to the Sands Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity who’s booklets have helped us so much, I naively thought they’d just be common sense but nope there’s paragraphs from other parents, feelings you can’t explain put into words and Maggie’s funeral is now going to be perfect after reading other parents plans and things they regretted not doing.

Wednesday night we both slept properly in the hospital suite James a couple of hours before me but I remember sleeping all the way through, Thursday morning arrived and although we were no longer sleep deprived once we’d awoke and realised this was all still real and not a horrible nightmare and were shattered again. I woke and James was already awake looking at a website that turns ashes into jewellery for me, he was being so thoughtful and caring, we had a cuddle and a cry. Maggie was in the cold cot in the delivery room locked away as the portable cold cot wasn’t holding temperature, this was fixed later this morning. James’s parents and girls were arriving at ours at lunchtime so he decided to shoot home to tidy, Hoover and prepare for them and he’d be back in a couple of hours while my mum came and sat with me, within 10 minutes of him leaving mum was with me, we watched the sun come up and let some emotion out. James hadn’t been gone long when he called me to say he w as home, he had all the lights in the house on, radio on down stairs, Alexa on upstairs so he was surrounded by noise and light being on his own but that didn’t stop the tidal wave that hit him being alone in the house for the first time since this nightmare started and having to go and shut the door to the nursery where the weekend before he had built her cot and had the wall paper put up.

The bereavement midwife who’d sent us home Monday came in to discuss the post mortem and funeral we had both already made our minds up about having post-mortem done so that Maggie could help us have her a younger brother or sister one day, we signed the paperwork and was then told she’d need to be taken for it tomorrow (Friday) or Tuesday morning. My first thought was one day left with her or longer for her to deteriorate before she comes back to the chapel of rest. The kids were now coming up and they needed us this weekend. With that in mind we decided it best she goes for post-mortem tomorrow, half past 8 in the morning sue said she would be picked up. Sue then brought up the Funeral, my initial instinct had been I didn’t want a funeral if anything just me and James in the hospital chapel, in this thought I think I must have thought the funeral would be today or tomorrow, sue explained she will come back from Cambridge hospital in a week and can go straight to the chape l of rest at the funeral directors ready for us to see her, showing us the cars she’d be transported in then the white baby coffins lined in baby pink or baby blue onto The crematorium for a service with The lady from yesterday first thing in the Morning before anyone else was there, all of a sudden this full blown funeral had just all clicked into place without us doing anything and it sounded better than us at the hospital chapel. Then she told us we need to register Maggie’s death and it had to be done within a week and the funeral director had to have the certificate before they could accept her from the hospital, this was something we needed to book an appointment for at the library the following week. (That was surprisingly harder than we ever imagined both loosing it in the waiting room and walking into this little office to register our baby’s death instead of birth, checking all her details were correct, then walking through town after like zombies crying in public.

James then said goodbye to Maggie properly and left to meet his mum and dad at ours. He had to go and tell his little girls that their baby sister that they’d been begging for and had tears of joy for when they found out, that their baby too had died. I was watching my phone waiting for his call to see how he was and how the girls had taken it, I was on the bed cuddling Maggie when the phone rung and it was molly really crying and asked me “why won’t she wake up? Why can’t she just open her eyes?” I don’t know how I held it together but I managed to answer her as calmly and collectively as I could. They both wanted to see me so turned the call to FaceTime, I saw their wet teary faces and it broke me all over again God knows how James felt telling them and watching their reactions. They asked if they could see her, I looked to James for his nod of approval or comment to ok it on FaceTime but it was ok, I showed them me holding Maggie wrapped in her blanket and they were be sorted both immediately said can we see her “can we meet her and hold her’, we’d discussed them coming to the hospital before they arrived and decided against it. Half of me selfishly really wanted them to see and meet their baby sister, I knew they’d have that instant love for her and she was so perfect and half of me thought no, they’re too young it’s inappropriate, there little heads won’t understand but it was ultimately up to James and their mum not me. Tessa then FaceTimed me from her phone in her bedroom wanting to see Maggie closely herself, she asked if she could sing to her, she sang beautifully ‘dancing in the sky’ my phone ended up pointing at the ceiling while I sank and cried hysterically in silence along with my mum and friend.

All of a sudden they were coming to the hospital and I felt pleased and worried, I called the bereavement midwife and asked her if she’d come in when the girls got here to help us answer any questions we might not answer well enough for them so I text her when they arrived.

They came in and sat in the lounge area, I tried to cage their moods they were chatty and impatiently waiting to see her once we’d taken their coats off and sat them down I went to get her, I brought her in wrapped in her blanket and sat in between the girls showing then her tiny hands and feet, they went all gooey over her. Tessa held her first, held her hand taking her all in and looked up at us with the biggest smile and said “she’s so cute” Molly then held her and her hand and was all smiles. Before they left Tessa sang her song to Maggie again on the bed in the bedroom crying gently at the same time. The bereavement midwife looked at us and said you don’t need me after observing how content the girls were with her. When it was time for the girls to leave James had asked me to go home with them for dinner so I did and was back within an hour an a half with James’s mum and dad who came to meet her for a couple of hours.

I stayed at hospital Thursday night with my mum while James went home with the girls. Maggie was in my room all night this time, when woke I counted down the two an a half hours until she was taken away for her post-mortem, the time went by quickly until two ladies arrived and let me tuck her in her Moses basket one last time with her blankets and teddies, then they left with her and the door slammed behind them I collapsed on the bed and cannot explain what I felt, the thought of that feeling is making me cry again now writing this down. Another 3/4 hours passed and I was discharged.

You cannot imagine the feeling of walking out of the hospital after giving birth and not taking your baby home in their car seat with you. All I could carry out with me was a memory box, the concentration it took to put one foot in front of the other with people staring at me took all of my energy to not collapse on the floor hysterically crying, while tears rolled down my face I managed to get to the car and once in reminded myself to breathe.

I can’t understand why it’s happened to us, we were so ready as kind caring parents, stable financially and as couple, nursery and schools were ready, bedroom & holidays our Maggie would have never gone without the most love parents could give and everything a child could possibly want or need.

The week Maggie was having her post-mortem was is a blur of home visits, sleepless nights, deliveries of flowers and cards and counting down the days until we could go to the chapel. I went to sit with her every day she was there apart from one, changed her read a book and just held her, the last day we saw her before her funeral, we tucked her in wearing her new pink butterfly dress and soft toys from her sisters, a card from me and James, photos of her family all around her, knitted blanket and toy from her nanny Ann, butterflies and pink roses. I kept the blanket she’d been in while in the chapel and wrapped in a new soft pink blanket. James an I thought at the time tucking her in and saying goodbye was worse than the funeral might be, I could make my legs walk out of that room but final arrangements for the following day had to be made.

Maggie’s funeral was in November, her flowers were perfect, everlasting teddy bears and a butterfly. We lit heart candles and got to bring them home, we covered her coffin at the end with one of her blankets and sent off her sleepy teddy with her.

We had a photographer which I’d read in one of the sands books that other parents had done, the photographer created a slide show with her song over the top which we will now have for birthdays and anniversaries.

The rest of the day was lovely surrounded by friends and family, the alcohol numbed us most of the day.

Christmas was bearable because we had the girls, although leading up to it, every time I heard people talking about how excited they were for Xmas it made my tummy turn and me feel physically sick.

Her due date we went to the Caribbean to be away from home and had an adventure day out in buggies and saw sights, on way back to our hotel and in our room the reality hit but again together we coped.

Mother’s Day was the most recent difficult day, I honestly didn’t think it would be a struggled but I whaled, I don’t feel like a mum, my arms are still empty and I have longed for a baby all of my adult life.

We have recently received our hospital negligence report which has hit me with some fresh emotions and a lot of anger, a lot of parents go through the same.

I need something positive to do in her memory, I’ve seen parents set up some fantastic little companies, I just don’t know what to do yet but for me it will keep her closer.

It’s been 7 months this month and it only feels like 3 weeks ago, I hope the next 6 months are easier.

Since sharing our story with friends and family we have raised a little over £3,500.00, we have already added some home comforts to the suite for other parents who will have to use the room, small baby clothes and more.